Queer Fitness Podcast
Queer Fitness Podcast
Body Confidence from Identity with Eden Robinson
Trigger Warning: Eating disorder discussed 18:22-25:32, warning included in audio as well. The fifth episode of the QFP features guest, Eden Robinson, co-producer of the queer fitness podcast, lesbian and personal trainer. Find her on instagram @fangirlfit or @livefitgym_valencia. Follow the podcast @queerfitnesspod. The Queer Fitness Podcast is an interview podcast all about queer experiences with sports, fitness and our bodies.
Support the show on Patreon.com/queerfitnesspod to hear bonus content from this episode.
Transcript coming soon! (at queerfitnesspod.wordpress.com)
Welcome to the queer fitness podcast. I'm your host Heelys and each week I'll be interviewing a queer person about their experiences in fitness and sports. This week I interviewed personal trainer, Eden Robinson
Speaker 2:[inaudible].
Speaker 1:In this episode, guest Eden Robinson wanted to share her experiences with an eating disorder and how that changed her view of her body. This is a warning if that might be triggering to you. Please feel free to enjoy other episodes of the career fitness podcast or as we get to that question, there'll be another morning from me and a timestamp to skip too, so you can enjoy trivia at the end of the episode. The queer fitness podcast is co-produced by Eden Robinson. This episode of the queer fitness podcast is sponsored by our Patrion. When you support this podcast on Patrion, you are helping make this labor of love into a long lasting one. And the first goal covers monthly audio hosting and transcription costs. As a patron, you get access to perks like bonus content from every episode and bloopers support the show at patrion.com/queer fitness pod
Speaker 2:[inaudible].
Speaker 1:Could you introduce yourself, uh, your name, your queer identity, and any other, uh, identifying words about yourself, maybe hobbies or what you're up to?
Speaker 3:Yeah. My name is Eden Robinson. Uh, I'm a body positive personal trainer. Um, I'm also a lesbian. I am a fan girl, a feminist, a nerd. Um, and yeah, that's, that's pretty much it. That's pretty much me.
Speaker 1:Cool. Could you talk a little bit about like what you're doing as a personal trainer now? You said you, you were doing some work today, um, what is your schedule like?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so my, well my, my schedule is pretty much the opposite of a nine to five, um, because that's when people are available to train. Um, so normally it's like weekday mornings and evenings. Um, I try to keep my weekends clear. Um, but you know, sometimes it happens, uh, that I'll have to, you know, train on the weekends. And so that's basically, um, my hours are when other people aren't at their day job. Right. And so, yeah. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead. What sort of things are you are teaching people or, yes. Well, I love, um, I love learning about what works for each client already, like what they've already discovered, uh, so far on their own journey. And, you know, if somebody comes to me as a, just as a clean slate being, I've never worked out before, I don't know what a vegetable is, teach me then. Awesome. I love doing that too. Um, you know, but I, I really respect the journeys that my clients have already been on before they come to me. And so, um, both, you know, in fitness and when I give, um, advice regarding nutrition, um, it's taking all of that into account. And, you know, I, I want what's most important to me is that my clients, at whatever point we stop training, they're able to continue that on for the rest of their lives and they're able to lead the healthiest live lives possible. Um, and so that's, you know, I, I, I, I come at all of that from the perspective of what's going to be the most sustainable, uh, for this client and this person. Cool. Cool. Could you talk a little bit about like how you got into personal training. Is this like, um, a change for you or were you always in the gym or[inaudible] personal trainer start I guess. Totally. I, yeah, I grew up a little Jewish nerd girl. Um, so yeah, it the, I shouldn't talk about all, you know, Jewish culture everywhere, but in the, in the little Jewish child that I grew up in, there is kind of a, we're all little like almost like heads in jars that are just trying to be as smart as possible and there wasn't really a relating to like our bodies. Like it was like we want to be healthy but like there wasn't really, you know what I mean? Like I've talked to my family about this cause we all grew up Jewish, you know, my mom, my dad, everybody and like they all had that same experience of just like, yeah, you grew up and you're just, you're just this like floating head in a jar and everything is about your body. Exactly right. Everything is all about learning, learning, learning, which is great and awesome. And I am a nerd. I love to learn. Um, but I grew up just like I didn't, we didn't even watch sports on television. Like we, there was no connection to like anything physical. And then for me, you know, personally. Um, and then in high school I was a theater nerd and so I kind of dabbled in like a little bit of um, like took a dance class here and there and just never really connected with what I, you know, never really connected that much with it. Never really felt like a home or felt like I belonged in, in any of those classes. Um, I was much more comfortable just being in my head. And then I was, I didn't really get into fitness until I was in college and it was like a total whim that I just was at the bookstore because that was my home away from home. I saw these workout DVDs on clearance and I was insecure about my body is lot of young women, you know, young college age women are. And I was like, Oh well maybe I'll try this and see if that makes me feel better about myself. And um, the trainer, she was a female trainer and I, she, I identified with her because she made bad jokes and she had this sort of like, I didn't even know that I was gay at the time I came out. I didn't come out, come out until I was 26. Um, but she just had this and she wasn't out yet. Like she is gay but she wasn't out at the time. Like immediately before I knew that I either one of us was gay, I was just like, Oh I relate to her and I know this be like resonating this energy. I'd kind of without being out cause she had this like, you know, this sort of like swagger, you know, and I, I don't want to use a term that, you know, some people has, it has a negative connotation for a lot of people in our community. But she had that kind of swagger and um, and she made bad jokes and at the time, you know what, what she was doing that most other fitness female fitness trainers weren't doing is she was using weights in her workouts and everybody, most other trainers were doing like either[inaudible] or dance, which I didn't really connect with. And then I was like, Oh my God, I really like lifting weights. This feels awesome. And again, we're talking like two, three pound weights. Like I, this is the beginning of my fitness journey. I started out in the beginning, um, basic, basic stuff, but I was like, I like this. Like I like feeling strong and I had so much more to do on my personal journey with my body and I had so much, you know, just so much more work to do. But that like that in that instant of like, I'm lifting weights and it feels good and I feel strong and I like this and I feel empowered, like in that was a light bulb open for me. And I, you know, at the time, uh, I was studying something completely unrelated to fitness and I was into that and I was all in my head. But this gave me like this, this grounded me in a way. And as I was dealing with the stress of like college is when I had some experiences where I was like, Oh my God, am I gay? What does this mean? You know? And when I was dealing with all of the stress of that and like dealing with all of the academic stress, then working out with something that could make me feel more grounded and less like panicky and less anxiety. Um, and so that and that continued, right? And to this day, you know, is something that that helps me. So you T you mentioned a little bit that both in college and, um, at the start of wanting to do personal
Speaker 1:training that you like had some body confidence issues and you seem to be feeling better about your body now, at least from what I can tell. Um, I try, um, could you talk a little bit about that? Uh, was that like a grad, I mean like it is a gradual change but like Oh totally. What are some of the things that have helped you or absolutely. Yeah,
Speaker 3:it was such a process for me. And um, it's funny because I, I talked with my mom about it a lot and she's like, you know, especially when I was going through like some really, really rough times cause she totally got the whole like body positive thing and it was helping her. Um, you know, she's someone who when she was like the, I was able to introduce her to the body positive movement, which really helped her and really contributed to our relationship and strengthen our relationship as well. Um, and so she totally got it. And she's like, by the like, I know it sucks right now, but, but like at the point at which you were on the other side, you're gonna be so you're going to feel so empowered, you're going to be able to help so many other people on their journeys. And this is, you know, before I decided to be a trainer or anything like that, she's just like, just having this knowledge and having this experience, um, it's, is this gonna it's gonna be so beneficial for you and for like everyone that you encounter. Um, and so she really kind of helped me be like, this is, this is going to get better, you know? And, um, so, so yeah. So what helped me was, uh, I definitely immersed myself in body positive imagery and stories. And I was following, cause this was back when blogs were more of a thing. Um, and so I was following body positive blogs and reading about people who were, you know, working out and loving their bodies and like wearing outfits that they loved. I mean, the, um, you know, plus size fashion. I followed so many blogs of, um, you know, plus size, fashion bloggers and, and I, you know, again, it's the whole idea of plus size is ridiculous, but I, I'm just using that to kind of, to be, see, kind of give it a direct description. Um, so that people understand what I what I mean. Um, and so essentially I just, I unfollowed and any sort of blogs or, or, um, you know, YouTube channels or anything that made that like made me feel insecure. Um, you know, even if the people themselves were great, I was just like, I just, for a while I just kind of only needed to be surrounded by people who look like me or people who make me feel more confident about myself. Um, I just kinda to immerse myself in that. And that was something I needed to do for like, I don't know, maybe it was like a year or so, maybe less. I had, you know, this is a while ago, this is years ago. And, um, and that helped me just sort of internalize, uh, the fact that no matter what size or shape I was, I could feel good about myself. Um, that me feeling confident was not dependent on a number or a size or a shape or anything like that, that it was something internal, um, and something that I had control over. And so that was, that was kind of in the beginning, in the beginning. And then I, and I also followed a lot of, again, intersectional body pet by body-positive feminist, uh, blogs that were, you know, not necessarily focused on, you know, um, photos, but just, just, you know, just like thoughts about like where do these ideals come from? You know, so I was kind of going at it from both sides. I was coming at it from just the, like purely like almost monkey brain. Like I see an image and it looks, she looks gorgeous. I see this woman, she looks gorgeous and she looks like me and you know, kind of that very simple thing. It's a very simple perspective as well as the, where do these perspectives come from that I, you know, that I should look a certain way and be a certain shape and be a certain size and like who's telling us that do I are those people that I want to align myself with, you know, so really both sides and um, um, and then that coincided with my queer journey as well. Um, because I, you know, in college I, I just knew that like if a girl asked me out, I would say yes, but like I just didn't want to think about what that means. And as somebody who likes to think a lot, like thinking is like my number one hobby, um, to be like, I that I'm just, I'm just going to close that door and pretend it's not there and paint over it and ignore it. Um, that was creating a lot of anxiety for me, obviously. And I couldn't even, I couldn't even acknowledge the anxiety because of acknowledging anxiety that I'd have to acknowledge the anxiety. It was about something and then I have to, you know, so it was like, it was, it was this, this, this, this, um, you know, tower of cards or whatever, whatever the tree, you know, this house of cards that was just like, you know, creating all this nervousness. Um, and I was, it took me seeing Jillian Holtzmann from the Ghostbusters movie, the, the new one, the 2016 Ghostbusters. Yes. And so I was, as soon as I saw this character, I was like obsessed. I was like, my fan girl, my inner fan girl had like a new immediately. So I went to tumbler, which is the home of the fan girl. Um, and I was like, I don't like, I don't, I just, I have to like, I have to learn more about this character and how this character came to be. And then I realized, Oh my God, this character is very queer coated. And then I realized that Kate McKinnon herself is a lesbian. And I was watching interviews with her and she talked about her queerness. She talked about, um, just her life she taught and the way she just used humor and she was so sweet and so funny. And I was, I just related to a lot of how she interacted with the world. And I was like, Oh my God, like total full fan girl. And then in following all of these blogs that also loved the movie and also loved Kate, um, I saw these posts about compulsory heterosexuality and I was like, I had this like light bulb moment. I was reading that and I was like, Oh my God, every relationship, every romantic relationship I've ever had with a dude is like this, like that, this contains all of that. Um, and so then that allowed me to be like, wait a minute, have I like ever wanted to go on a date with a guy? And I was like, wait, actually no. And like, no of, no offense, like to Eddie of the guys who, which none of them would be asking this anyway, but like, they're all nice guys. Like they're all good people. Um, but you know, I was just like, wait a minute. And then I was also looking at the experiences that I'd had with women and be like, wait a minute, that makes sense. And then I was looking at my, even just like my childhood, like I like being a lesbian means that I was 15 years old and a lesbian and I was eight years old and a lesbian. And I'm just thinking my whole life. And it's like, it was kind of like the, um, like you look at your back at your life, you're like, I was gay the entire time. This makes so much sense. Like you, it's like your whole life finally makes sense. And I finally, when I finally allowed myself to use the label of lesbian, I like over the course of like a couple of months, my relationship with my body, just like there was like an entire thick layer of anxiety that just dissolved. Like immediately. Like just, you know, just, just allowing myself to, um, to kind of feel these feelings and, and not trying to make myself feel what I didn't feel. Um, there was this, this, this whole new comfort in my own skin. Um, and so it's, it's fascinating to me like how those two overlap. Um, so, so yeah. And so, and then again, that was, you know, kind of a more recent, uh, discovery and then, you know, and then in the last couple of years, it's just, it's felt like more just kind of like a settling in to own skin and, um, you know, having fun with it and just, you know, and just enjoying fitness. Um, however I can. And then of course afterwards you feel better, you feel empowered and you kind of keep that going and then, you know, and then you just, you feel good in your own skin.
Speaker 1:This is a trigger warning for the next question, Eaton discuss it. Eating disorders, bingeing, counting calories and anxiety related to her queer identity. To skip this section, go to 25 minutes, 30 seconds to hear the end of the episode. You mentioned in your email an eating disorder and did you want to talk about that at all? And we can totally not
Speaker 3:totally. Yeah. No, I'm, no, I'm totally, I'm very like open book about it. Yeah, no, definitely in my, um, my, like th honestly one of like the top coping mechanisms, unhealthy coping mechanisms that I developed for this, for my natural corn kind of, you know, worry, anxiety that I have, um, is, or my kind of tendency toward anxiety, uh, is to overeat and to binge. And when I was in college, um, which coincided with me, um, having like a very close friend with whom I had a huge crush on but needed to keep myself completely in the dark about it. And so my response was just, yeah, if I just like, if, if I just like keep eating, then I don't have to think about any of this, you know? And so there was that, um, it was a combination. It was, it was an act of self soothing. It was a unhealthy coping mechanism. It was, um, you know, it was a distraction, you know, and so all of that together, um, that was kind of the height of my eating disorder. You know, originally when I started working on my binge eating disorder, it was out of a desire to be thinner. Like, that was my, when I started, that was my motivator at that time. Um, but you know, and, and that's what prompted me to purchase the workout DVD that I got. But then in doing that I was like, wait a minute, this is actually something I like to do. This gives me something to like focus on. Um, yeah, that, that I want. And so it, that's why it's, it's this kind of, you know, messy, convoluted journey. It was not a, it was not a straight line. It was far from it. It was this very twisty turny. So, you know, I can understand how for a lot of people, calories can be triggering for me. And in my particular case, going through periods where I counted calories was helpful just because it helped me like it, it kind of helped me have a sense of like what a normal portion was. Sure. You know what I mean? Just so I had like a reference point and then I would go through periods where I would use calories in an, you know, counting calories or unhealthy way. So it was, it was not, you know, it was, again, it was very twisty. Turny. Um, and for me when I discovered the body positive journey, that's all body-positive movement, sorry. That's also when I discovered the concept of intuitive eating and that allowed me to start focusing on the foods I was eating as opposed to like the caloric value. And that was extremely valuable for me because I started paying attention to how my body felt after I eat certain foods. And then my choices to avoid certain foods was not, was less related to, you know, this number attached to them, but was about, well, when I eat this food, like I get a stomach ache, I don't feel hurt or I feel nauseous or I feel like, sure, whatever. Exactly, exactly. But the, and then when I, these foods I feel better. And again, it was a back and forth. I'd go through periods where I would be like rocking the intuitive eating and then I would just be like, I'd have, I just have a bad body image day and I just be like, Oh, I need to like I need to, I need to restrict, I need to like count calories again. And sometimes I would, you know, get through it and sometimes I swing back and like the pendulum swing back and it was, but through all of it, um, I did have the intention of healing my relationship with food and I threw all of it. I kept thinking about how I wanted to be able to be comfortable around food and be comfortable with my body. And so that is, that was, that was like the, that was the end. That was the goal that I kept trying to go for, even though sometimes I would swing back and all those things. Now intuitive eating is, um, you know, is, is natural for me. It is intuitive for me. It's, it's how I function on the day to day. Just like fitness is naturally part of my life. And I, you know, I work out every day and I eat intuitively and I enjoy cheesecake and I enjoy, you know, carrots and I enjoy all of it. Um, yeah. And I don't have that, that panic and that anxiety that I had for so many years. Um, and, and like I said, you know, when I, when I came out, um, and I was, I did all this work on my connection with the word lesbian because Lord, that has so many connotations to it. And when I first came out, I was like, I'm a lesbian. But like I literally had trouble saying the word out loud, you know, what does that word mean to me and what does it actually mean? Like it's kind of been commodified and that that took a, that, you know, I was in therapy and, and did a lot of just like journaling about it did have this whole journey, um, over the course of a few months. And by the end of those few months, this
Speaker 4:w
Speaker 3:my, the, the, the kind of urge to binge that I had had kind of, I that would still come up occasionally that me finally embracing the word lesbian and embracing that part of myself really like eradicated that like binge desire, which I know sounds so strange cause they're, they are so different. But for me personally, um, I think that that for me personally, um, I think one of the primary prompts or one of the primary sort of like, I don't know, drives yeah. Drives for this, this sort of, this for me, eating disorder was this like, you're, you're not okay. Like you're, you're, it was this anxiety about my identity. Um, you know, like I, I truly think that if I hadn't, um, been able to come out, then I would still be struggling with bingeing. Whereas now I feel like I don't have, I just don't have that urge to binge anymore. Um, I still, you know, I'll still, I still will like comfort eat sometimes, you know, we'll all be like, Oh God, I've had a stressful day. I just like want a brownie, you know, but, um, but I, that, that sort of like dark, empty, like deep anxiety feeling, um, is, is not there anymore. Fortunately, or like best or worst experiences or just like, you know, totally a highlight or a low light or anything. Oh my God. Yes. So this is like one of my like top highlights. This happened back when I was, uh, working at the kids' summer camp and birthday parties at, um, the rock local rock climbing gym here. And so basically it was, um, when we would work birthday parties, it was our job, the adults to, uh, belay for the kids in layman's terms. We're standing on the ground and we have the rope that the climber is tied into is tied into also into our harness as well. And we keep the rope tight so that if at any point the child slips off the wall, then they just kind of hang there, suspended by the rope and they don't fall on the, the very padded floor, but still, you know, we don't want them to fall. So, um, so I was belaying for this group of, it was a birthday party, so it was mostly girls and the were all just so supportive of each other. It was a group of like probably 11 year old girls around that age. They were so supportive of each other. It was, I just, I was like, Oh my God. I was like, yes. I was like keep, I'd like, I didn't say this to them cause it would've been weird for like in my head I was like, keep this, keep this forever, like support each other forever. Um, and there's this one girl I was bullying for her and she was climbing up and usually the way kids are is they, when they want to come down they just stop climbing and then they just look at you and wait for you to like kind of lower them down at the rope. And so she, so she stopped, but I didn't lower her down cause I'm watching her. She turns down, she turns down to look at me and she says, I'm stopping, but I'm not done. I'm just stopping so I can tell myself I can do it. And I was like, yeah you can. And she like, she like pod, she kinda like shook out her arms cause rock climbing is really heavy on the arms. Um, it's heavy on the legs too, but especially when you're starting out, you mostly use your arms anyway. So she, you're sitting on your arms and you know, and then she made it to the top and it was, I was just like, yes, this is like, that captures. Like I, I want to create like that in all in all of my clients. I want to create that voice that she, that, that, that voice inside your head that's like you can stop, but you can do that. Like you can stop, you're going to, you're going to pause and you're going to keep going. That like, Oh I love, I love that so much. That just made me so happy. And it's so great that it came from an 11 year old girl and that's exactly, I was like, Oh, can you just like God, can you keep that forever and ever, ever, ever, ever. And like, yes, exactly. I loved it. That was like top highlight of like, like I can see like in 80 years I'll be like, you know, on my deathbed or whatever, I'll be like, ah, I did, I helped that girl climb to the top. That was like, that's, that's like LA proud life life
Speaker 1:moment for me. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm just like, ah, I just, I love that so much. So that was definitely a highlight. Awesome. Awesome. Um, are you ready to play some Trulia? Yeah, sure. Okay. I'm ready to get everything wrong. Okay. But I've made them multiple choice. So there is an, and it's only a through C, so you have a nice 33% chance of getting them right and it's San Francisco themed. Um, so the California gold rush saw, um, uh, a rise of immigrants coming to California for gold. Um, 95% of which were men. Um, they would cross dress and play women's roles and dances and other social scenarios. Um, when did San Francisco criminalized gender transgressions or outlaw crap cross-dressing, so, Oh yeah. Uh, and so I've got three dates for you here. Um, so a 1881 B 1857 or C 1863. Okay, so the, the one that's in the middle chronologically. So that would be what? 1863 yes. And that's correct. Okay. Oh, yay. See, go for the middle. Don't know, just go for the middle. During world war one, the Navy discharged known homosexuals in port cities, which helped create the LGBT community in San Francisco in the twenties and thirties. What was this discharge known as? A the blue discharge slash ticket B pink pink discharge or pink ticket or see green discharge or green ticket. So yeah, because of all of the associations with like pink triangles and whatnot, I'm going to go with pink. No, it's blue and it's just because of the color of the ticket that they gave them. Uh, and that, that mandate started in 1916. Oh wow. The first gay bar, the dash, this is for gay men. The dash opened in San Francisco in 1908 when did the first lesbian bar and named Mona's open a Mona, but it's got a posture B S uh, a 1910 B 1921 or see 1934 I'm going to go with 1934 because everything for us happens later. Yeah, that's correct. Yeah. In 1962, the first ever gay business organization was formed between bar owners in response to police raids. What was that organization called? A the family Alliance B, the Tavern Guild or C the G L leadership group. You know, Kevin Guild just sounds cool. So I'm going to go with that one. You were probably wrong. That is correct actually. And I had a little bit of fun, you know, making, making up names for things. No, I love that. So one of the first LGBT riots in us history happened in the Tenderloin district of San Francisco at Crumptons cafeteria, which was notorious for calling the police on trans women. Um, when did the riot happen? August, 1966. January, 1968 or May, 1965 I'm going to go with 1966 that is correct. Nice medical, middle chronological. But um, yeah, that one's really cool because it's before Stonewall and we like tote stonewalling being right and Ajer put this one. It was actually quite major. Hell yeah. Um, last question. Uh, Gilbert Baker raised the first LGBT pride flag at San Francisco pride, um, on June, 1973, June, 1978 or July, 1975. If I, if I follow my own rule, I would say 1975. Um, but kind of want to say 1978
Speaker 3:I'm going to go with 1975 or whatever. Yeah, that's, that's the one in the middle, right? 90 75 75 is the one in the middle. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to go with that one. That's incorrect. It was 1978. Yeah. So yeah, I always forget that it is that recent because in my lifetime the rainbow has such a strong association with that, but that there, I know queer people who are alive now who didn't have that, their youth. Yeah. It's just amazing to think about what people before us have done and like how recently they've, they've done it and the impact that it's had. Um, and that's, that's something that I think about so often and I'm so grateful for that. I think you don't have to condone every action they've ever done, but you can at the same time be grateful for certain acts that they have done that have helped create a safe space for yourself and people like yourself. Yeah, yeah. Totally. Yeah. Cool. Where can people find you on the internet to follow and know more about you? I do have an Instagram. It's at fan girl fit, F. a. N. G. I. R. L. F. I. T. I also work, like I said, at a local gym. Uh, it's called lift, fit gym and I work at the one, there's a few different locations. I work at the one on Valencia street, it's at Valencia and 18th. That's the way to get in touch with me. So feel free to DM me. Awesome. It has been great talking to you. Yeah. Awesome. It's been so great talking to you and I look forward to the episode every week and I look forward to seeing it develop and that's so awesome. Yeah.
Speaker 1:This episode of the queer fitness podcast is sponsored by our Patrion. When you support this podcast on Patrion, you are helping make this labor of love into a long lasting one, and the first goal covers monthly audio hosting and transcription costs. As a patron, you get access to perks like bonus content from every episode and bloopers support the show at patrion.com/career fitness.